I began writing this rant today in Sociology. I know, I know- writing is not what I’m taking the class for, but I can’t focus sometimes. I thought I would share with you my mind retching, overwhelming, scatter-brained thought process.
I can’t believe it has been four months since you left me. I miss you more and more everyday. It doesn’t take much for you to pop into my mind and it takes even less for you to stay there. For instance, tonight I was at a friend’s and they had skip-bo laying out… I went straight back to “Skippy!” and cheating by making sure I sat to the right of you so you already had to play off me. I’ve been wearing your ring for the past several weeks and I love being able to say that it was yours. I love being able to tell the story of it. I know you hated my tattoos, but seeing the one on my arm gives me comfort because it reminds me you are always there with me.
If heaven wasn’t so far away… I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. There are so many things I wish I could talk to you about. School this semester is going really well. I enjoy all my classes and the challenges that I have encounter so far have been easy to overcome. I have also lost fifteen pounds. I am trying to change now so that I don’t deal with the consequences of my weight for my entire life. I could really use a pep talk right now though… Nobody can talk to me the way you did. I need advice and you were always my go-to for this kind of thing. I guess you were the only one who could ever really understand me. It breaks my heart that I cannot have one of those incredible talks with you that lasted for hours. I still can’t believe that you are really gone, I guess God needs you more than I do.
I know that I have said most of these things before, but my heart is still broken. I still dream about her like she is real, standing beside me. I am twenty years old and I am without all of my biological grandparents. If you have any left, don’t take them for granted. I would give absolutely anything to relive a weekend playing Chinese Checkers and eat homemade ice cream with Nana (RIP November 12, 2005). I wish I could ruin Papaw’s handheld poker game one more time (RIP 1997). I would love to go fishing one more time with Papa (RIP September 10, 2007). Lastly, I wish I could go book shopping and drink coffee with Mama (RIP October 9, 2011). Don’t take the small things for granted.
I haven’t talked much about my weight challenge much the past few days. I have had a minor setback with exercise because I was clumsy and messed up my foot. I have tried to continue some form of exercise that is low impact to that area. I am now down a total of 15 pounds which I am satisfied with. I have made progress where progress was needed and I have a long way still to go. I have been without pop for over a month now and I have done really well in avoiding sweets. I feel like my app is kind of like the “sticker board” in kindergarten because I don’t want to have any bad marks, just acceptable ones. I have no intention to stop any time soon. I’m in control now.
Another exciting thing I have noticed is some of my clothes are fitting more loose than before. I am looking forward to the day that I have to literally clean out my closet. I have a few pairs of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in awhile, hopefully that will change too. It is hard to tell if my body is changing because I see it everyday. I only hope that 15 pounds some sort of change, but I’m going to keep going regardless. They say it takes twice the time to notice change in yourself that others have already seen.