Recognition… It’s funny that I use appearance as my leading drive in the world. I want to develop a name, a memoir, or an idea that you know me by. Whether that is only knowing my mind, my thoughts, my body, or knowing me in all forms. I believe that if I change one mind or influence just one person than my name would be known, remembered. I will be recognized. I am only twenty years old and while I have accomplished things that are monumental for my age, I have a lot left to prove. I will not be known for those things because right now my image is blurred by being “the fat girl” or “the fat ginger”. 

If you are friends with me on facebook, myspace, or any other social networking sight you might notice that all of my pictures are of my face or chest up. There is a reason. The only things I’m ever complimented on are my eyes, smile, and boobs. Sometimes my hair, but I hardly think that counts. I do not have any full body pictures. Let me tell you a story: A few months ago I started talking to someone. We’ll call him Steve. Steve found me online, asked for my number, and we began to talk. We had talked for about three weeks and he expressed that he was attracted to me, to who I was. Remember: he had only seen my face and he said “he liked me”. He asked for a full body picture. What was I supposed to say? No? He’d think I was fake. So I swallowed my fear and I sent him a picture of my figure. I never heard from Steve again. His loss? I’d like to think so, but I know better.

Not many men want to carry a “fat girl” on their arm. It’s embarrassing to be seen with a big girl versus a Pamela Anderson look alike. Am I wanting to lose weight or change my image so I can find someone to love? The answer is no. I believe that changing my image is important for me. I’m trying to advance my education, I’m seeking a career where being taken seriously is very important. Not all people are as lucky as Ugly Betty. I’m changing my image to better myself and to smolder my insecurities. Marilyn Monroe is my role model and I think she was socially brilliant. She said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Right now, I am at my worst. I weigh more now than I ever have. I am more self-conscious than ever. My mindset has changed to the negative.

I am trying to do more than just change my visual appeal. I am trying to change the way I think of myself. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see. I want to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful. I currently have three tattoos that I fear showing off because I am scared that you won’t be able to see the beauty of the art because it is shadowed by fat or rolls or stretchmarks. Anyway, I want to have the confidence to smile because I don’t have a double chin. I want to have the confidence to wear sleeveless shirts (that show off my ink) because my arms no longer look like a fatty slab of bacon. I want to wear shorts because my legs are now one solid limb instead of broken into two sections of fat: my calves and my thighs separated by a knee cap. I want to take full body pictures because I like the total package instead of only picking out certain pieces I like.

Goodbye insecurities! Hello Confidence!

Weight Loss Update:
Today I went to the gym and walked 9/10 of a mile. I was satisfied because today was my first day to go. I still haven’t drank any pop! And today I only took in about 10 total carbs when non-dieting women on average eat 15-20 a day. I’m not sure if I have lost anything because I intend on weighing in once every two weeks so I will weigh again on January 30.

To the left you will see the closest to full body picture I have ever taken myself. I couldn’t fit the rest of me in the mirror to get my legs. I circvled my arm fat, my double chin, and my muffin top. These are three of the things (excluding my legs) that I hope will change as a lose weight.

3 thoughts on “Recognition

  1. Hi boo this is shaishai 😉 I love u! And so proud of u babi gurl.
    I can handle u at ur worst and seen u at ur worst! So I deserve to see ur best and I have seen ur best! I love u so much, ur opening up so much more now than u used to! Your an amazing women and I'm so glad u have goals and ambition to do this. I want to too, but I don't wanna do it alone, u know I have no back bone! Blah love u boo


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