As I was sitting in my Sociology class today, I started wondering the reason I was sitting alone at a two seat table alone. Is it because of the way I look? Is it because nobody knows me? Do people not know me because of how I look? Am I that unappealing? I’m curious how people think. How do you think? What is it you think of me?
I get nervous when people have to squeeze behind my seat and I hate when I need to get out and people squeeze into the table to give my fatass space to to squish through. I tend to sit on the end so I can easily get out without bothering other people. I also notice that if I drop something on the floor, someone (tends to be someone thinner than I) will pick it up before I come up with some plan on how I can reach it without looking like I’m exerting myself too much. If I drop something on the floor, I squat down to pick it up instead of bending because I know my colossal ass is not the prettiest sight in the air. Do people do this because they secretly know how these things are such mental controversies for me or because they don’t want to see my fat squish in different directions?
Is this a common way of thinking? Or is it only in my head. I think a lot about how I fit in (there it is again) to society far too often. Where do people’s kindness (to pick up my things from the floor or to squeeze themselves into the desk) derive from? Is it simple kindness or is there more to the picture? You tell me.
I pretend often that I’m fine and I take compliments (not that they happen much) with a smile and move on. Last year, I was making more money than I knew what to do with so I was spending extra money to buy kind of trendy clothes, shoes, get my nails done, and always have my hair looking wonderful and styled with high end products. I realize now that none of that made me happy. It only gave me a few moments of instant gratification and that wore off in no time. Now, I have nothing to show for those days of spending too much money other than not having any of that money.
Back in high school, I had a part-time job at a grocery store. I remember we always had to wear black or khaki (I hate that word) slacks with a blue polo shirt. I found one at Walmart that looked alright and my mom came across a sale at JcPenny’s so she picked me up two more. I appreciated the gesture because I wouldn’t have to do laundry as often. However, I wore one of the polos mom bought me to work one evening and one of my managers made a comment to another employee about how fat my arms looked and she wondered if I could knock her out with just a slap of my arm fat. I never wore those polos again. Mom didn’t notice either. I also remember working at Taco Bueno. They rules about speed and despite my size I was pretty quick. Two problems about that place… One: I was around food all the time so it was easy to grab a chip, toss some meat on it and go on with my day. Two: I had to tuck in my shirt. Fat kids should not tuck in their shirts, it just brings attention to their fat. I hardly ever followed that rule.
I have always thought this hard and it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write things out how I feel… So you can imagine how backed up my brain is. Recently, I lost my grandmother to breast cancer. She was young, only 68 and over 4 years ago I lost my grandfather to diabetes when he was only 64. I believe that if I don’t make a change for myself now, I could end up with high blood pressure, diabetes, and who knows what else due to my weight. I have also proclaimed that instead of losing weight, I’m getting rid of it. I never want it to come back once it’s gone.
To the right you’ll see the tattoo that I had done on my upper left arm. It’s my memorial piece for my grandmother. I miss her dearly. I’m afraid to show this tattoo off by wearing sleeveless shirts because of my arm fat, but soon one day I will not care and will flaunt my ink, flawlessly.
Weight Loss Update: I am the worst at keeping my word. I have a hard time going without weighing myself when I know I’m trying to lose weight. So this morning I weighed myself and I’m down one pound from yesterday! I also downloaded a carb counter app on my phone today so hopefully that will help me keep my carb intake to a minimum!