I had a fat moment yesterday. I was getting ready for work and I put on my favorite pair of jeans that I’ve worn a million times since purchase. They were trendy jeans that came with frays and bling on the butt. I loved them because they looked like jeans the “in crowd” would wear. Anyway, I put them on like a million times before, sat down to put on my make-up, and RIP! Right in the naughty place! Now I’m down to two pair of jeans that fit because my other 12 pair that I could wear four months ago now do fit anymore.
My other thing is- I have always wanted a pair of winter boots. I always drool over them when I seem them at the store and I compliment people when they are wearing a cute pair. I don’t even both to try them on because my legs are so fat, the only kind that fit are the ones that are knitted at the top. Because they stretch to consume the extra inches they need to be secured around my colossal calves. I hope that one day soon I will be able to wear a pair and not have to wear them vicariously through smaller girls. I would also love to wear heels, but are those heightened shoes really made to support not only my extra weight, but the weight of my clumsiness. Heels and boots are two things I look forward too.
I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in years now. Not because I don’t like the holiday because in fact, it is one of my favorites. I grew out of costumes for my age group years ago. Now it seems like most girls use Halloween as an excuse to dress like a slut without actually being labeled a slut. I wouldn’t be seen dead looking like that because of my size. Who wants to see a slutty whale?
I remember comparing the way I looked to skinny girls even at a young age. When I was in 4th grade, I learned a lesson I will never forget. I was wearing an outfit that up until this particular day, I loved. It was a pair of lilac jeans with a white long sleeve shirt that had little lilac flowers on it. One day, I noticed another girl in my class staring at my stomach. So I began staring back at her trying to figure out what the problem was. I had something that she didn’t. I had a nice fat roll hidden behind my lilac pants while her front was flat. I have not work shirts that don’t cover at least two inches below the button of my pants since. Is this silly? I now believe in layering. I layer my clothes especially if I feel that my shirt isn’t quite big enough to conceal the things it is supposed to.
Weight is an issue that a lot of people struggle with. Some people might even label it as a disease. I disagree. I don’t believe that diseases are something you choose. Most eating disorders are a choice whether it be completely consciously or subconsciously. Many eating disorders are caused from a lack of self-esteem. Anorexia and Bulimia are two eating disorders where mainly girls allow themselves to be controlled by the need to be skinny. What is the influence? The media? Someone telling them constantly that a size 6 is too large? We might never know or fully understand.
I was recently told by a professional that I have and still do suffer from “Binge Eating Disorder”. I find it interesting that psychologists are able to put a label or a theory on someone who simply eats too much or eats the wrong things for the way their body works. Do I really have a disorder or do I lack self-esteem? Maybe both? I think a disorder steps in when I talk about eating for control, eating to feel connected. None of this makes sense when I look at it written out, but it all comes together in my head. I hate being fat so what do I do? I eat. I hate being alone and I’m convinced it’s because I’m fat. So what do I do? I eat. I eat. I eat.
I guess what I’m trying to learn, what I’m trying to teach myself is when my body actually needs food. When am I actually hungry because my body is looking for nutrients? When am I eating for emotional stability or for something to do?
I have had several people tell me already that my blog is very inspiring. I hope I can continue to tell my story and possibly help someone else. If I don’t succeed, at least I know I have helped myself in more ways than most will understand. First of all, I love to write and I think writing this blog will, in the long run, strengthen my writing ability. Second, I am actually opening up enough to share my deepest thoughts. Thoughts that I generally keep to myself and don’t even share with my friends in a serious matter; it’s something we laugh about. Third, I am able to document my weight loss so for those days I want to eat ice cream or I don’t feel like going to the gym, I can look and see what doing those things caused for me; both positive and negative.
Weight Loss Update: Yesterday I changed my mind about the method of weight loss I want to try. Instead of doing a carb diet, I’m going to do a calorie diet. Most foods have calories whether it’s a few or hundreds. Carbs are not in all foods so it’s easier to pig out on certain things because you can make the excuse “well it doesn’t have any carbs.” The goal is that I can take in fewer calories by eating less food as well as better food. I downloaded a new application to my phone called “Lose it!” It tracks not only the calories I take in, but those that I burn through exercise. You have to burn 3500 calories to just lose one pound. Does that sound steep?
The scale has never been my friend. My goal is that I know longer fear the scale and instead I look at it for motivation. It will be my visual reminder of how I’m progressing or digressing. Anyway, the application is wonderful and if you are trying to lose weight, you might try it out. Hopefully it will help me and make me aware of what and how much I really am eating. According to the information I have found, if I lose a minimum of 2 pounds per week, it will take me until March of 2012 to reach my weight loss goal and the rest of my lifetime to maintain it.