Struggles

I wish I had a positive message today, but right now I’m so depressed I can’t think straight. I have been struggling to keep up with work and school. I can’t figure out the right place to put my focus. I continue to worry about things that aren’t happening right now. I think too much about the future instead of considering what I do today might effect my future instead.

I also made a change in the way I’m running my diet. My calorie counter app (Lose It!) was allowing me close to 2000 calories a day. I felt that was too high for me and I was finding myself allowing empty calories like sugary juices and empty calorie snacks. I was still under 2000 a day, but I think you understand where I’m coming from when I say I don’t feel like I was making a change. It was still okay to eat some snack food here and there because “I haven’t had my full 2,000” calories a day. So I have cut back to 1500. I also have not exercised since I posted the other day. I may seem like I’m being too harsh on myself, but this is something I want and I don’t have a trainer to push me. I’m pushing myself. I believe that in order to make a permanent change, it has to be inward and outward. My will power has to be stronger than my eating disorder.

Some of you might frown on the term “eating disorder”, but when my grandma passed away I had to go through a few sessions with a psychiatrist (embarrassing…) to help me learn to cope with her passing. She dug around on how I felt about my weight and why I am as heavy as I am. I tried to blame it on my family being, for the most part, overweight… I tried to blame it on not having enough time to exercise, but then she broke down to me what a disorder was. It’s completely subconscious, but it’s still something that I have to learn to control. I feel like I developed my habits because I had a need for control, but in the end I lost control. Now I have to develop and form new habits so that I can take the wheel again. Make sense to anybody but me?

Pinned Image“Suck it up and One Day you won’t have to suck it in.” I saw this on pinterest the other day and it made me smile. I want to make a motivation board for my room that I have to look at. I think it would be very motivating to see things like the picture to the left or a girl with a decent image that says “Be Sore or Be Sorry…” Visual motivation might just make it easier to wake up and say “Hey! I’m going to go work out.” I wish I had someone to push me to the gym.
Honestly, the idea of going to a gym and working out right now terrifies me. I hate the thought of working out in front of the muscle men who are walking around drinking their protein drinks and gatorade. I don’t like being watched when I’m working out. Everything jiggles or shakes about as I walk on the treadmill and I don’t want people to watch it. I know people stare at me when I walk, but I don’t think about that actively. I have to walk… I don’t have to work out and put myself out there like that. I think I’m just going to get my xbox and zumba it away!

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