Unbelievable.

I really miss my grandma and I wish she were here cheering me on, but I know she’s up in heaven with her pom-poms. I had a dream the other night that felt so real it woke me up. I rarely have dreams worth remembering and it’s normally the horrible dreams that startle me awake… However, this time I woke up because of excitement. I was in downtown Tulsa when I came across a phone booth. It was painted bright red like in the pictures… I walked in, picked up the phone, and dialed some strange number. I asked for Mama and next thing I know, I was talking to my grandma in heaven. I found a line of communication to hear her voice again! I know it sounds crazy, but it was the best dream I have had in a long time. If only it could have been real. If heaven weren’t so far away… I hope that she can really hear me, see me, know that I miss her. Now I’m crying. Great. I wonder if that burns calories.

I went to the mall this evening and I walked out the door with a new outfit. On the other side of the spectrum, when I leave the mall I usually feel fat, ugly, and depressed… However, this time I felt motivated.  I cannot wait to go shopping for new clothes because the ones I have now are too big… not too small. I was told tonight that I would kill myself trying to walk in heels and at this weight, I’m sure that statement is true. I’m always afraid that the material that makes the heel isn’t strong enough to hold my fatass up. Sometime soon though, I hope that I can trek around in those cute shoes because I hear they do wonders on your calves. I also noticed the shirt size I normally buy seemed loose already.

I have been wondering a lot lately what I’ll look like thinner. Will I lose my boobs? Will my butt round out and quit being so flat? Will I actually have a back and a separate ass? Will my skin tighten up around my arms so that maybe my tattoo will still look beautiful? I hope that my double chin goes away. I really do not have any patience so not knowing what I will look like is making me anxious. I guess we will all know soon enough. The only difference I can tell in the way I look is possibly the way my clothes fit and I think the nine pounds have came straight off of my face. Does my face look thinner to you?

I have been thinking about the direction my life is headed in a lot lately. I am twenty years old, I own my own car, I pay my own bills, and I will soon have enough money saved back that getting my own apartment will seem possible. I cannot wait to take that step into my life on my own. I think that having my own place will really allow me to not only depend completely on myself, but it will teach me how to time manage. I intend on living alone which is a bit scary knowing that I am a young single woman, but I know that I will be fine.

I played the Kinect for hours on Saturday and I woke up sore on Sunday. I am now a firm believer in I’d rather feel sore than sorry. I intend on going to the gym tomorrow night and also hitting the gym. I need to get into a more firm exercise routine. Sticking to a plan when it comes to exercise seems to be the most difficult part of this for me. I hate going to the gym alone because I feel like a cantaloupe in a bowl of kiwis. I guess I just need to grow a pair (as long as they aren’t too heavy) and go anyway.

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