My Desire to Change… Needs to be bigger than my desire to stay the same…

I am scared. I have the resources to move out on my own and now that the opportunity is so close, I realize that the thought terrifies me. I have had easy excuses for two years now. My excuse before was my grandma. I didn’t want her to live on her own, I wanted to make sure she was okay. I miss her dearly, but now that she is gone there is no reason I can’t do it. My excuse after that was I wasn’t sure if I could afford it, but now I have the finances to make it. I think I just need to jump feet first and get over my fear.

Another year that I’m going to be single on Valentine’s Day… And I’m pretty sure this is the first time that I am not torn up over it. In fact I have to work that day so I wouldn’t have time for a special someone anyway. I believe that right now I belong alone because I am not my best self. I need to learn to be more dependent on myself. I need to learn how to budget my money and my time before I can open myself to a second person. I wouldn’t mind having someone who I could spend time with every now and then, but at the same time… I am satisfied just being around my friends.

I need to get a new scale every time I hop onto this one, I weigh myself three times and it seems all three times are different. Oh well, I’m going with the lowest number which means I’ve gotten rid of ten pounds. Although I still have a very long way to go, it feels good to be reaching my goal. It has been pretty easy giving up treats, pop, and the other things I used to like to eat all the time. I’m struggling trying to find time or motivation to go work out. I really need a work-out buddy. If you are reading this and want to work out with me, let me know. Otherwise, I’m highly considering a personal trainer. Someone to push me.

Right now, I am dedicating myself to at least 30 minutes of some kind of exercise everyday. I know that it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s better than nothing at all. I am also promising to follow the 10 weight loss commandments on this other page.

I find great motivation in pictures like this, but I always wonder why they never put Plus Size Women on the images. These pictures just make it seem like these skinny women should be trying to lose weight too. That kind of pisses me off. Even in plus size clothing magazines, they post women that are maybe 15-20 pounds above weight for their height. That isn’t PLUS SIZE, that’s I ate too much for lunch size.

I know that instead of posting this blog, I could be out walking or I could be doing some other form of exercise, but I believe whole-heartily that I need to get these things off my chest and out of my head. I am always thinking about stupid shit that fills my mind with depression. I think about the things I want to change, the things I want to make better, but I don’t take the time to get up and DO IT. I think that is what frustrates me so much sometimes. This is why I know I’m not at my best yet.

My sociology class gets me to thinking too much. I enjoy the idea that I have a place in this world somewhere, I belong in a particular group. I am not sure where I belong at this point. I think that getting my own place will allow me to learn a lot about myself. I’m done worrying about dragging these huge anchors from my past into my future. This is my year, like the picture says to the right. I can do this. Watch me.

One thought on “My Desire to Change… Needs to be bigger than my desire to stay the same…

  1. Still think you are saying what every fat person feels! Btw, when I come home on weekends, we can meet up for a workout! Maybe a walk at the park in pryor, or if you are in town we could find another substitute! Chandler and I have been working out for a solid 2 weeks now. At least 3 times a week! The cool thing about us is while one of us wants to take the day off, the other makes them go. HA. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ON 10 POUNDS!! We are fighting an uphill battle. We just have to keep pushing! 🙂


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