When It Rains…

I never imagined that I would be writing about how much I miss my grandma. I remember about this time last year, we were talking about how I wanted my own place. Well, I still do, but I’d give anything to be going home to have a long conversation with her

… It’s been almost four months since I said “see ya later”, but I’m still not used to not having you at the other end of the line. I can’t handle the thought that someone else is going to be living in YOUR house. Our house… You told me it would always be my home and now some other family is moving into it. Oh my, I miss you so much. I wonder where you are and what you’re thinking about. I wonder if you even can. I want to know if you remember me and if you are watching over me. I just have so many questions… 

I miss you so incredibly much. I wish I could express what that statement really means. I miss you so much that I could move mountains to just have one more conversation with you before you got sick. I owe you so much. I promised I would do things and because of you and that promise, I’m trying my best to not fall on my face… But it’s been really hard not to fall down when I can’t seem to look up anymore. You were taken from me far too soon, but I guess God needed you to be my guardian angel instead. 

Thank you for all the life lessons: You taught me to be the person that I am today. You taught me to look strong, when I feel weak… You taught me to smile, even when I want to cry; “Because nobody knows what you are thinking if you have a smile.” You taught me to fight hard for the things I want and to never give up on my dreams. You taught me to speak up for myself when everyone was speaking down to me.

I wish that I could hear your voice one more time. I wish I could see you laugh at me when I was being completely serious, play skip-bo again, or talk about people like we used to always do. I wish I could sit on the edge of the bed and critique books or read you another one of my lame essays expecting advice. I wish that I could have one more hug… and hear you tell me you love me one last time. 

I hope wherever you are, you’re able to see me succeed because you were the only one who has able to see through all my faults and wish me the best knowing them. Please keep flying with me because I can’t do it without your support and love. 

Today has been so hard for me. I’m not sure why and I try to bury it, but I don’t seem to have that strength. I try to pretend like I do, but I’m so weak…I’m in love with the rain. My hopeless romantic side kicks in and all I want to do is run around in circles, dance in the puddles and kiss the man I love. Unfortunately, that man has yet to be found no matter how hard I look. So instead, I get to dance in the puddles by myself. 

That’s how I’ve been for years, alone. I learned awhile ago that people always leave and tomorrow is never promised. I have loved, lost, and moved on. I have buried my heart so far in the sand that sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find it again myself. Would it be worth it to let someone find the treasure that rests with my heart? Sometimes I don’t think so… Maybe I’ll encounter someone who is willing to start digging. 

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve right next to my “I love boobies” bracelet, but after a few bruises and a major break, I moved it back into my chest and after failure, I buried it back in the sand. I used to leave the blinds open and a welcome mat on the porch, but I pulled that in, and shut the windows. I’m not someone who can be used, manipulated, or demeaned anymore. I’m stronger than before and I get a little more stronger everyday I live without those people.

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