without you there is no me…

“that’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone having a fucking good life.” -Chuck Palahnuik

The house that built me into a strong independent woman is being sold today. It breaks my heart that an important monument in my life is being handed over to be abused by another family. How can someone unknown possibly understand the memories, the ideas, the lessons learned there… Hell, there is an entire pet cemetery in the backyard. Both of my grandparents passed away in that house. I grew up there. I am trying to be strong over the whole thing, but the truth is, I am broken. I have not let go yet. I find myself talking about her all the time. I find myself thinking about how things used to be. It breaks my heart to let go the last piece of my grandparents.

Frustrated. If I answered the question “How are you?” honestly every time- My answer would be frustrated. I need to get my self together. Between being too worried about spending my time alone and making sure I have extra moments to go out with my friends… I believe my priorities are out of whack. I need to post my energy on school so I can accomplish my goals in terms of a career. I need to work harder so that I can save money so that I can have a home outside of my parents’ home. I love them dearly and I’m grateful they have allowed me to live here, but I need that taste of responsibility and freedom. I don’t just want it anymore, I need it.

My new challenge is QUANTITY control. I think I have mastered “quality“, but I can’t stop eating once I start. I am convinced my stomach is a large black hole and I can keep eating and eating and eating and eating. Ugh, I disgust myself, but I don’t know what to do to help or to make it stop. I haven’t stepped on the scale lately. I feel like I was hit with a wave of depression again. I can’t get out of this rut.

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