Dreams are becoming my reality…

I’m not sure what to think anymore. I’m terrified that my dreams are slowly becoming my reality. Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Maybe it is just indifferent and I’m supposed to sit back and let it happen. I cannot contain my excitement about a few changes that will be taking place this summer, but I can definitely do without the busting my ass to barely scrape by. I know that sounds like I am trying to throw a pity party, but really I am not. It frustrates me to no end that I am working really hard to make ends meet while other college students are living off of… well… let’s just say it took less effort for them to have it. 

When I graduate from college (who knows when), I will be up to my eye balls in debt… Debt that wasn’t spent going to a school I love where I party every weekend and make “super cool” memories that I am going to remember until the next time I am drunk. I am spending money that I don’t have to gain an education that may or may not get me where I want to be from a mediocre school that has, I guess, a decent reputation. I will be a better person for living through this, but I cannot handle this pain in my chest that I have failed myself. 
 
I really have failed myself. In more ways than one. I am terrible at keeping my own promises when I say I’m going to save money. I cannot be trusted with it so as soon as I have a little extra, I am handing it over to the “Bank of Mom” so she can hold onto it for me. I cannot stick to a diet even when I feel like I’m succeeding. I have tried time and time again. I hate being fat more than anything else in my life. I just can’t seem to do it. I give up before I get anywhere. I need help. Serious help. 
 
I miss my grandmother more than I can even explain. Everyday that passes by, I think of her more and more. Her birthday is in 17 days and I’m not sure how I will ever be able to make it through that day. ): 


I wrote that back in March… Man, have I come a long way since that post. I have accomplished so much. I finally moved out on my own and so far things have been great. I have some of the most awesome roommates and I’m just generally happy with my decision to take this step. I miss my family a bit, but they are just a phone call away. I also got a promotion at my job after working for two years to try and achieve some kind of success. I’m excited to start this new venture with my “practice career”, but I’m much more excited to continue my education so I can start my real one. 


I’m overall happy with my life, but I still feel like something is missing. I’m generally concerned with the fact I cannot seem to let myself be satisfied. I miss certain people being constants in my life. I do not miss him, but I miss the friendship I thought we had. I was so blinded by who I thought he was that I didn’t realize he was and is a total piece of shit. I miss a few other people, but they won’t ever be a part of my life anymore because they’ve moved on. I wish I could too…


I’ve had writers’ block before, but I have never had it for this long. I am questioning my ability. I need inspiration. I used to find it in crazy places, but now I’m just stuck. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. 
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