I wanted to touch base on a potentially taboo topic: sex. Everyone has their own views on sex, and what comes next has the potential to be offensive. If you continue to read, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
While I’m now proud to be such a sexual person, it didn’t start out that way. My first “experience” with sex, if you can even call it that, was at 3 years old. I had just mastered the use of the VCR, and I wanted to watch “The Little Mermaid”. (I guess that might have been a clue to my sexuality, but hey, I was 3.) Well, long story short, it had a porno of my dad’s in it. Which was awkward for a number of reasons. I didn’t understand what was happening, and I didn’t understand why I was in trouble for watching it.
My next two experiences came from predators, who chose to exploit my curiosity. One of which was a family member, and one of which went to my stepfather’s church. Because #Jesus. The second one was a particularly nasty episode, because we were caught by my mother. She then drug me home, and my stepfather came into my room and proceeded to beat me with a belt and a ruler, all the while “praying for me”, because #Jesus.
I don’t like to be the victim, so I don’t choose to give those events power in my life. I don’t consider molestation as a “loss of virginity” because it wasn’t my choice….. That said, it certainly opened the door to my sexual education, and the fact that hetero sex wasn’t the only option.
Sex was the ultimate taboo in my house. I never had “the talk”, and I wasn’t even allowed to watch PG-13 movies that had nudity, much less “sexual content”. Being the defiant and curious child that I am, that pushed me to explore the boundaries of this “forbidden” world. I lost my virginity (willingly) the summer after 6th grade, which is something my parents would still be absolutely shocked to discover. The fact that he was someone my parents knew very well, and the fact that he was dating someone in my family at the time would just make it worse.
I quickly became obsessed with sex. I managed to hack the filter program in 8th grade, so that I could subtly masturbate in the school library, getting myself suspended for two weeks. I had very low self-esteem. I was a freak at school who couldn’t even leave the library with a Harry Potter book because #Jesus. There were other boys I messed around with during 7th and 8th grades, but it was always for a small window of time. It was their “experimental phase” and I didn’t have many standards.
Thus began my journey into high school. I dated a girl for a short period of time, and then she annoyed me, so we broke up. That’s when I started dating a bonehead that will be referred to as Scribbles (long story). Scribbles and I didn’t know each other very well, but somehow we started a conversation that ended in a guessing game. He asked me if I thought he was gay or straight. Not being a complete idiot, I said gay. He responded by saying, “I don’t know. I’ve never had a chance to experiment”……. Fast forward through two more weeks of texting and we were dating. Now I was a seasoned slut at this point, and it didn’t take long to corrupt him. I’m pretty sure there is a movie theater in my hometown that I’m still banned from. I loved him (at least what I thought love was). I helped him come out to his friends at school, and to his family. Shortly thereafter, he decided he wanted to date someone attractive. So he dumped me, and I was devastated. I mean really crushed. I went through a hard depression spell, and then returned to dating the girl I dated earlier that year.
I somehow connected the taboo thrill of sex to a feeling of self-worth, control, and confidence. I assumed that if you were willing to have sex with me, then I must not be as ugly and lame as I thought I was. I fused sex with love in a way which is difficult to explain, but the short version is sex=love… If I had one, I didn’t need the other.
That really screwed with my relationship with that girl. We had a LOT of sex….. I mean a LOT! However, I was still hung up on that boy, and I don’t think I ever got over him enough to truly love her. I wasn’t faithful to her, and I stayed in that relationship long past its expiration date. Luckily, I had Fat Girl to come to my rescue and save me from myself.
Suffice it to say, I’ve had a LOT of sex with a LOT of people (sometimes a lot of people at once). The rest of my sexual history isn’t important. What I’m going to say next is.
I still have a long way to go in my body positivity journey. I just recently was able to come to the realization that just because your significant other isn’t boning you every day, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. I’m still learning, but I’m okay with that.
According to Fall Out Boy’s Save Rock and Roll, “You are what you love, not who loves you.” Think about that, and let it help you to love yourself.